i hate what i have done to my body

Another freaking doctor's visit where I will have to listen to them tell me I am morbidly obese and all of the hell I will have to pay as a result. I will be forced to sit there in a gown that doesn't fit and all of these other rather humiliating slights. My body makes maneuvering onto tables and turning onto my side and all of that difficult. and there is no point in telling them any symptoms because everything is related to my weight apparently.

I really am trying to go with the whole body acceptance thing but damn it is hard work. I am so tired of EVERYONE watching my weight and feeling like it is ok to comment on it. I lose a few pounds and everyone is all quick to get happy; gain a few pounds and everyone gives you that look.  I have been avoiding all friends from past parts of my life. We can only hangout if we have become friends since I was 250+ lbs. Anyone who knew me before then is avoided like the plague because I hate that brief glimmer and their eye as they try to say "wow, you look fabulous; haven't changed at all" with a fucking straight face.

I am tired of plus size clothes designed for thick girls with perfect figures (big boobs, small waists, maybe a little bit of a tummy) and not fat girls with body "flaws" or any part extremely out of proportion to the rest of you. I'm tired of pants which roll over my tummy and tops not quite long enough that my stomach doesn't show if I move wrong. as sizes go up they add width but not length to account for the length I lose as my shirts go across my boobs and my belly.  you'd be amazed at the lengths I have gone to and will go through to avoid this:

• I wear only elastic waist pants and I wear them backwards. I have more stomach than I have butt so it helps.
• i wear a tank top like a tube top. tuck the arm bands under my boobs and into my bra so I have extra length. I am going to buy a pregnancy belly band for a more polished look.
• i wear panties the same color as my shirt so that if something was to show hopefully it won't be noticeable.

I swear sometimes i hate my stomach so much i could just take a freaking knife to it.

don't get me wrong. I don't hate it all enough to do something about it. life is so overwhelming that the idea of having to plan meals, track food and exercise is more than I can handle. plus food is my last comfort in some ways.

And I am aware enough to know that my weight helps me keep potential love interests away which makes dealing with my borderline nature in relationships a snap (no relationships, no craziness). Or perhaps I have rationalized this to just give myself an excuse to not do something or to perpetually feel victimized.

and I'm scared of losing weight at this point. the skin i am going to be left with is going to be as ugly to me as the fat. and i won't have the money for surgery to remove it.

Which reminds me that I am going to have to fly in November and I regret agreeing to go now because the last time I could barely get the seatbelt done and luckily the flight attendant was a very discreet man who very unnoticed to everyone else offered me the seatbelt extender.

So either i am going to be angry or weepy at the doctor's visit. Off I go. yea...