treading on thin ice while carrying my emotional load

I have been doing a lot of soul searching. i am trying to get myself past the hump of just being stuck, of just existing. cmh has really been "pushing" me to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. i let him in a little bit more and more. he doesn't blink and doesn't run. i still don't think he gets it. i am trying to avoid him being the person who emotionally soothes me. i need to be that person for myself. it is too much to ask of someone else. but this is hard. it's not the depression or bipolar that scare me -- the borderline terrifies me. I am afraid of the rage that addressing my issues may bring up, especially towards my mom who is still my trigger. She still bears the brunt when in my presence.

but i am still moving forward trying to make my peace with a lot...

i know that i have been harboring these dreams of having a family and that being the "fix" that makes everything else ok. I know it is unrealistic. my age, mental health, physical health -- all of these make having a baby not a good idea even with cmh. so i got an iud to ensure that there are no oopsies. I just feel like I am grieving. It is a weird sensation that i can't even begin to try to explain to anyone. and yes i know i could have it removed but unless it messes with my mood, it stays.

in thinking about this loss and the 2 failed pregnancies, i realized that my mom only has my back if my actions are not causing her any embarrassment. it is one of those weird revelations that just brings clarity - no peace, no added grief, but a little simmering anger.

i guess the issue with that is i am slowly growing weary with forcing myself to fit into "normal" society. it feels like being forced to sit in an airline seat with the arm rests down when you are plus-sized and trying desperately to not take more than your space. and when i do stop coloring within the lines and acceptance proves to be conditional i am afraid of the torrent of anger that will release.

and please don't tell me maybe things will be different. i hate hope. or rather i hate the disappointment when hope doesn't pan out, especially when logic and reason told me that it probably wouldn't. No hope and no expectations dampens disappointment. If something good does happen then it is a serendipitous turn of fortune.