Mothering vs. smothering

Mom has never mastered the difference between mothering and smothering. I have never managed to not lash out at her. She is the one person who bears the brunt of the rageful side of my borderline.

We began the holiday arguing and as she cried, I had a thought... I had always believed that killing myself would hurt her beyond anything else, but maybe, just maybe killing myself would allow her to stay in her crazy without the constant raging from me. Perhaps it would be a win-win. AND BEFORE YOU START TYPING ALL SORTS OF 'HANG IN THERE' PLATITUDES, RELAX... It is just one of those morbid thoughts that goes through my mind. No plans to act. It is just a thought and nothing more. I know that it is not logical and that my death removes any hope and possibility that she might change or i might change and it might be ok. Of course it removes the possibility that it might all get worse too. teeheehee. Yeah i am that patient who says stuff just to annoy the therapist.

I can imagine some poor therapist trying to get me to make a pros and cons list and at the end of the list the pros to suicide outweighing the cons and they are so flustered that they don't know what to do. And i am smug like i just beat a chess master. And i am even more smug because i know i don't plan on killing myself which meant their efforts were pointless in the first place. To use their emotional tools against them is kind of my own personal game because so many come off so condescending and smug themselves. I am tired of them telling me all of my logic and thoughts are flawed simply because they do not conform to the societal norm. I want the mental health establishment to simply acknowledge that living can suck acknowledge that my desire to be done with this life is an ok feeling and not necessarily related to action on my part. Driving those thoughts into a place where i cant share them is what gives them the chance to take hold in a dangerous  manner.