my truths whispered in the darkness

1. i am afraid to lose weight. my rationale is that when i am fat, there is no mistaking what you are getting even when i am fully clothed. lose the weight and you can look ok in clothing and then unwrap it. well the person standing there looking at you feels duped.
2. i am afraid to date for rejection
3. worse than the rejection, i am afraid to date that it might interfere with cmh deciding he wants to be with me. yeah i have halted my life waiting for him. even though i lie to him and myself saying i am not in love with him.
4. i don't know that i am in love with him. i fear that it is just a remnant of the desperate feelings i felt when i was young when i wanted someone, anyone to rescue me from myself and my life.
5. i am not sure i actually feel anything. sometimes i feel like i am not experiencing emotions but only applying well learned reactions to various events in my life.
6. i binge eat in secret to avoid everyone's comments on my food intake/choices.
7. i believe that i am simply committing suicide in a slow passive aggressive method by not caring about my health enough to change despite warning signs or perhaps i want the attentions and sympathies that come with suffering.
8. in my mind's eye i believe that i would fix all that i need to fix if i found the loves of my life (a mate and children) but since i won't ever have that package...
9. i suspect all of the above is crap and just cerebral reasoning to try to make sense of this fundamental truth:
   I don't think I care. Apparently I am supposed to care so I keep searching for reasons why I don't but perhaps there is no reason -- perhaps I just don't care at the fundamental core of my nature or I am simply too lazy to be bothered.

of course everyone will say it is the depression talking.  perhaps. so people will say "just do it." except if the depression is going to steal the joy and the likelihood is that the depression will be a part of me forever, then why bother? won't it hurt worse to have achieved everything and still be unhappy?

Let's go with this current state of being is dsythmia because someone will argue that it is; i am willing to accept that as a possibility)...
then I hate it more than major depression because at least in the throes of major depression the colors of darkness -- rich blacks and purples and blue blacks is more interesting than this gray.

and no I won't be upping/changing my meds. too afraid of the side effects of beginning to swing wildly again.

this is kind of like being trapped on the side of a mountain on a narrow ledge. You can't move and you can't be rescued. so you just sit there and wait...

1-8 could be dsythmia. but #9, well I feel like that even when i am happy. or maybe the true happy is so momentary that i am busy celebrating being out of the greys and then it ends before i can make any progress.

i have these weird "fantasies" i replay over and over again in my head. fantasies that create a mythic life where things go wrong in epic proportions so that i am justified in feeling as bad as i feel. no one would question that i am depressed. why do i do this?  i think i like psychologically torturing myself. it is kind of like cutting for my soul.  but an unexpected benefit is that i try not to assess my life in terms of my depression and see it thru the colored lens of depression which to me is more dangerous and harder to undo.

i have this vision of depression as a mother yelling at me "stop your crying before i give you something to cry about." see if it is biological and I am going to feel bad with no real emotional cause then depression tricks you into finding something in your life to cry about. (this does not apply to people who have experienced trauma/hurt - physically and emotionally - that they are trying to process; i have processed mine so i don't feel like it is a factor). I think perhaps a heart attack or diabetes or some other major health crisis makes the depression make sense. think of it like having excruciating phantom limb pain after an amputation. You know your leg is not there but you can't stop the pain. It is so futile and so defying of reason because how can it hurt if it is not there? That is what the biological portion of depression is like for me. I have amputated (processed) all of my stuff (my leg) but the pain remains.

this is more than i had planned to write. moving on.