and then more hope is lost

a blogger i read quite frequently is facing a divorce. i didn't see that one coming. his wife seemed to understand the brutal nature of his disease (bipolar). he is a fabulously gifted wordsmith. he is introspective and truthful with himself about life and his disease. his wife sometimes even chimed in on his blog about coping. he has dealth with it all, the highs and lows and meds that kick your ass.

and suddenly i feel like even understanding is not enough ti make a relationship work. even if someone TRULY understands they can not (and probably should not) have to deal with mental illness that is not their own. it has to be hard to watch someone you love suffer then make you suffer. it is even harder to imagine him who in the midst of his suffering realizes his demon is causing suffering to the person he loves the most.

i told rj once... i love you enough to not love you.

the chance at love was the one hope i held on to. but slowly as i look around and realize, that may be well beyond my grasp for so many reasons. some of which i can try to fight and others of which, well by the time i fight them, i may be too old to even care.

i find myself wanting to throw myself into church. but i know it is a false sense of dedication with all the doubts i have... i go to church more for the people i have met there and the sense of peace they exude than for the god part of it. it is as if it is not real my faith. like so many of my emotions, it only exists in my brain but not deep in my soul.

every a.m. and p.m. a handful of pills and still i am right back here...

and yet i know that this will pass. i may not be able to outrun the darkness, but i have always been able to outlast it. it''s just that even that process is getting ot be draining.