and RJ emailed me Happy Bday. i don't get it (the RJ thing). Why? it strikes me as odd considering how things were left when i ended the friendship. the email coupled with seeing him a few weeks ago and the hug and kiss on the cheek, well truthfully--they unnerve me. i sat at my desk at work and just cried when i read his email. all the time we were friends and he would talk about all the things he was going to do for my birthday (dinner, flowers, etc.) and he never did any of it or even rememebred to call and say it. but he waits til now.
and ofcourse cmh didn't call. we spent the evening together yesterday and i reminded him that it was my bday today and he gave me a half hearted happy early bday. i thought he might call and say it because one year he shocked me shitless and called on vday. but no...
so i guess cmh's visit is a good part of what exposed the nerve in the place in my heart where RJ was. see i realized that cmh and i have no passion. passionless physical intimacy is not worth the cost of the pregnancy protection. the realization made me sad.
but at the end of the day, i feel ok. maybe because i hung a blanket over my cube entrance so everyone knew i dind't want to be bothered. and then my neighbor dying gave me the chance to take care of his wife--i couldn't sit and dwell.
but now i am alone. and in the time it took to write this post i realize i have spent to much time ruminating. i don't want to hear the echoes of this in my sleep.
1 comment:
i used to feel like solitude was the answer to many things because it seemed as if i was the only one who would understand... i maturely realized that i couldn't expect anyone to be of help to me or even just listen to my concerns if i didn't at at least try to include them in some things.
here's hoping you are not discouraged to the point that you shut out everyone for too long. our human nature embraces community, or at the very least we desire being/feeling loved. i hope you feel desired/loved today.
happy birthday.
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