scared actionless

i idn't go to work. i just couldn't. i realized that avoiding it meant avoiding the trip to the pharmacy to pick up new meds. and i ahve been soooooo tired lately. i mean like walking coma tired.

i finaLLy got up and picked up meds. looked for a dresser. spent part of my bankruptcy money. realized i am procrastinating even with that.

ther eis so much contradictory info about ritalin and how it should be used. label says "do not use to treat regular fatigue" but i guess mine isn't regular. and it is used as an anti depressant in patients with certain diseases who are AD resistant or the side effects of which would really screw them up. and i understand the urgency with which the dr. feels it is necessary to get me on something that has some immediate effect. he hopes that that will propell my mood up and me forward just enough.

but it is reminiscent of the first time i tried trazadone and all the pthers. i was soooo afraid to swallow the pill. rj had to come hold me. but now i have to stand and stare into the eyes of this demon alone. i cannot discuss it with my sister--i guess my fear is since we only share half blood and the half i share with her is the half she doesn't even like, that she will somehow just reject me. my mom and i--well we don't discuss anything of importance. no one else. even the people in my life who know i struggle. don't want to worry them that it has gottenthis bad. only told my boss/friend because a) i kind of had to b) i treat it like i treat my weight with her and just make jokes. she sees thru most of my masks now. it makes it hard for me to deal with her. so i avoid her.

have to be out both saturday and sunday. i am not looking forward to either. i am actually afrid to start the ritalin tomorrow since i am ogin to a fair with some neighbors. too long away for me to end up nauseous or jumpy or something. so i guess it will be sunday.

when this bankruptcy is finally over i am goign to figure out a way to make art. pottery, sculpture, jewelry, collage, mosaics. and maybe once a month i'll get atable at a swap meet or something and sell crap. or maybe i will hoard it all or maybe it will never make it past this line of type on it's journey to fruition.