what doesn't kill you...

just makes you wish you were dead!

it's been a long week. yesterday was a LONG day. i woke up and just felt like a failure in everything. i know it is a warped thought but i can not break the emotional hold it has on me. and i have to file bankruptcy. I NEED to do it if i hope to survive. but i am so embarressed.

so last night i did something i have not done in awhile--i bunged until i thought (actually WISHED) i would be sick. i ate so much that throwing up would ahve been like an answer to my prayers. and i was so angry at myself. and i was laying there thinking about why i would do that and the typical answers floated thru my mind--i was taught to overeat as a child, food was my grandmother's way of expressing love and eating it was my way of expressing my love for her (i ate as much as i loved her which is why i am morbidly obese). i eat fast and my brain never has a chance to register that i am full. but considering the UNCOMFORTABLE results of my actions you'd think i would stop. but yesterday i realized that eating food is the only time i feel alive. i doubt what i see (always thinking i saw something in my peripheal vision and being afraid i am having hallucinations); i doubt what i hear cuz my hearing is sucky; i doubt what i think/feel cause my mind/emotions are so fucked up and i can't really identify emotions or even really believe i feel anything. but eating, well my taste buds make me feel alive--it's a sensation i do not doubt. and in typical OCD "i must have it ALL right now" kind of fashion, i go and must order everything and then i try to eat it all. and like last n ite, there are times when i know i should not continue eating and i tell myself that but... well i don't.

things feel really hopeless. intellectually i know that if i do not figure out what keeps me from just doing "it", medicated or not, then i am doomed to walk this existence forever.