something to make you go hmmmm

if you haven't read banjk you should. but warning--only read if you are seriously into learning to deal with your disease. feel like wallowing in it, then that is not the blog for you. but he has become sort of like my zen master (hehe). he has the perfect balance of acceptance of and control of his illness; that is not to say that the balance never tips in one direction or another--but he is aware and committed to realigning the universe as it were.

so today's lesson is on acceptance of sorts. something i think i had forgotten. made me realize that there are sometings i need to discuss with the dr:

1. while the mood stabilizer is working it has set me at a constant low--that is a state that is unbearable for me.
2. it is really the depression overlaid over the moodiness that usually drives me to seek treatment.
3. as much as i recognize that my "up" periods may be problematic, they are not at this point dangerous nor psychotic in nature. so i want them back. they were my brief respite. they were the period of time that made me a bit more bearable to the rest of the world. i had jokes and fun as if my psyche was apologizing for the brooding and raging i had done previously. if and when they become psychotic in nature i will reconsider but for right now while the treatment may be working, it is not working for me.

no i am not going to stop these pills without dr. advice. what i read of these drugs says it could be a nasty ride. but something has to give...