I fear this blog may be ending

atleast in it's current capacity.

It was a rough therapy session which ended with me leaving the office in tears. Funny, the therapist asked me if i was suicidal and at the time she asked i wasn't but i had to chuckle (thru the tears) that she had done a good job getting me there by the end of the session).

She was yelling at me about my lack of commitment and willingness to do ANYTHING. She said I always had an excuse and that she could not make me do things that would help me get better. She went on with, if you dn't care that you are obsese and are going to get diabetes, if you don't care that you are not dating and not having sex, well then what can I do.

She tried to scare me into working on my diet. She said to me do you know the complications that diabetes could cause. I think she was shocked that I had a more extensive list than she probably did of the complications. But she doesn't quite get that I was told when I was in high school that I would probably be a diabetic by the time I was 18. I'm freakin 35 and blood sugar is still within normal ranges. Yes, I'm experincing many diabetic like symptoms, bu we all know that symptoms for all diseases are the same; you could come up with a milllion answers based on the available symptoms.

i tried to explain to her that I understood logically that I should combat these things but for some odd reason i could never make them my focus because outside of the office life was so hectic and demanded all the attention and energy I ahve just to keep up with work, and part time jobs and bare (very bare) minimal household cleaning. She went off about how she works 10 hour days and has twins. She said it was all excuses.

The weird thing is I came to a very weird realization. She is right. I think she had hoped to shock me into action; her bad-didn't work. She told me if I wasn't going to try then there was no point in me continuing in therapy and if i wanted to go find a therapis who would listen to me whine then she could help me find one. She went on to say that I was happy in my misery because it was comfortable.

It was amazing because I ahd such an ephiphany. The tears flowed harder and I am sure that she thought I was crying for the same reason I had begun crying. But I now knew:
this truly is as good as it gets.
Yes I am quite comfortable in my crazy. I ahve become my mother in so many ways. I am comfortable in my crazy. the only time I am not comfortable is when I can't wear my mask and I think people can see. The meds are taking care of that. Like my mother i just need to remian functional; that's my only goal. And like my dad, nothing is my fault.

Like my mom I say and do what is expected of me. and I realized at that moment, that I had done that even with my "recovery." I said "i want to be normal and not neurotic" because it is expected of me. But the bottomline is I have been this way for too long, so long that it is ingrained in my very essence. My idea of what is the perfect life is based on some very unreal imagery. I know all of this intellectually, but I can not seem to get it deep enough into my core to make me change. So even though I knew I would not be back, I made an appointment for 2 weeks. I'll wait until I know her voicemail is on and just cancel.

The bad part is, I will still ahve to walk into that office and possibly see her during my psych visits. and she implied that Dr. J was going to jump all in my shit about my lack of motivation and willingness to try. Yeah I never really got the feeling that he could react that way to people so I don't knw, maybe it was another scare tactic. I guess what I am more worried about is that he will be disappointed in me or he will ask me not to return to the practice if he is truly upset that I won't try. So i considered just finding a lesser dr and going since I already have a med plan.

I did what i always do after when I feel emotionally unsafge and I am unable to crawl into my bed and just go to sleep, I ate. I ate more than I should. Then I spent the afternoon talking to my fav coworker about lot's of stuff. it all distracted me. unfortunately as soon as I left the office and headed home, the desire to cry returned.

So I know I need to stay busy and that is a good thing; I may actually get somethings for work and school accomplished.

Dont' worry. I won't disappear completely. I'll still be reading (BTW-Joney or Hope, I need Hope's blog addy because I ahd some computer probs that made my firefox crash and I lost my bookmarks; email it to me please?) And I may just focus my energy on a blog about macs and media and other passions.

Listen you guys know I care about you and I really don't want you to feel like you have to post a bunch of comments telling me to stay. I know you guys want me too and I truly appreciate that. I will keep this blog and I will probably talk about things in my life, but I am not searching for any answers any more--it is what it is. I feel like I have made my peace with it.

I am going to post a LONG post that tells my life story. i think just once I need to get it all down. and then I am going to walk away from it, but that will be for later, because now I am tired again.