i should have just stayed home.

i had a mini meltdown at work when i realized that the last 2 journals i had worked on had already been done by someone else.

I think probably someone went to pick up a journal and saw the next due which was one that i was behind on. & since i don't make any entries into the time tracker or even upload my files, no one would know i had worked on it or was going to.

and suddenly i felt like i was going to cry and felt this extreme sense of panic and confusion and shame and so much more spread over me that i told my boss i was going home.

long story short-she "yells" at me to make me stop. then we go up to her bosses office to discuss things. now i know my boss is going on vacation for 2.5 weeks so we will be "reporting" to the big boss. She's new and really nice. was very understanding. i suspect because my boss had already discussed with her the looney chick in the basement who is not getting much done.

so she didn't bat an eye when i said well "i'm bipolar and have ADD." her response "bring a note from your dr. and we'll see what we can do about getting you your own office" (i'm paraphrasing drastically).

the odd thing is the adderall is working. i can hyperfocus now but normally on the wrong thing. i will spend hours learning some small muance of a piece of software and then figuring out how i can use it in my work flow. that would be all well and good but we are abandoning this workflow for another one that will be dumbed down but more efficient and consistent. so i'll be able to do more crap i don't like in the same time.

and the whole time i'm trying to figure out how to explain this to the pdoc and the T--by the time i see them i am so calm and happy go lucky. i do know that my pdoc can see thru the mask some of the time. he seems impressed that i try to be happy even when i am not and try to make other people feel happy even when i am not.

and some how as i ruminated thru all of this i kept coming back to the idea that there is something fundamentally flawed in my thinking. it seems to be there even when i am happy as far as i can tell just not as pronounced.

so it made me wonder about which aspects are a mood disorder and which aspects may be a personality disorder. and then i just felt hopeless. i don't know how everyone else feels but mental illness i can deal with--screwed up biology is wrecking havoc witht he emotional center of my brain-ok! but a personality disorder seems like i am flawed right down to my soul. and i don't see how you can repair that. for me it is the same rationale that they use for not performing radical labotomies or past a young age to cure SEVERE epilepsy--the brain will not relearn or reroute those messages. i kind of feel like a personality disorder is the same. if not caught early in it's development, it becomes you modus operandi and i don't think you can retrain your persona to be different.

so what do i do in the face of a bleak outlook? how am i supposed to pep myself up? The bottomline is I don't have a child so there is no one i OWE it to to keep living. Sure there are people that I'd rather not hurt because i care bout them (you guys included) but I don't owe it to those people. and admit it you parents out there, sometimes at your very darkest moment, it is that one piece of your dna living and breathing outside of you that keeps you hanging on.


ah well.