anger

seems i am at this point again. there is a point, when you miss a dose or 2 of meds but right before the emotional impact of it kicks in and you know what's coming, where this extreme apathy just kicks in. like-oh well, fuck it.

yesterday i missed my meds practically all day. what just fucked me up was the realization that i had missed the adderral and was finding it almost impossible to stay awake, despite the fact that i had gotten over 8 hours of sleep.

these pills are so much a mainstay of how my body, emotionally and physically function, that they have become very much like life support. i would not allow the drs to put me on machines for life support so why am i allowing this? not that i will stop taking my meds because i just got up and took my am dose, but really, i see taking them to help stabilize my emotions. but i can not even wake up enough to become alert without a fucking pill.

a friend i confided in said maybe it is that i am not excited by my life/work so the boredom manifests itself as being tired. if that's true than there is NOTHING about my life that makes me happy enough to want to wake up.

i feel like i am lying here in a sterile room with tubes coming out of me everywhere, just listening to the tick and hum and ding and whir of the machines unable to scream. stuck on display for an audience of none except the occassional few who wonder in to make sure the machines are ticking and humming and dinging and whirring, with no real concern for the fact that i am there. makes me wonder if i am not all ready dead, but the machines keep doing their thing so no one notices.