more old wounds

when the front gate rings me at 12:30 am it can never be good. only could be rj or cmh. and neither do i need to see right now.

except it was neither. it was the last of the demons with an emotional hold on my heart--my former best friend. except the hold is really her kids, but she holds them.

i won't let her in the gate but decide to just walk down there. she doesn't understand why i am so hostile. i remind her that the last time i saw her she thought it was a good idea to ride around in the middle of the night and throw bricks thru people's windows.

i walk to the gate and "talk" to her. she thinks i am self righteous. i flip the scene back thru my mind and she is probably right. but even that realization does not make me willing to rekindle the relationship. and as i have no intention of arguing with her about a 2 year old argument i start to leave.

She tells me they are leaving and she didn't want to leave the state without contacting me, that the kids miss me. i tell her i don't think it is a good idea. i won't bounce in and out of their lives. and i turn to walk away. i feel like it was those kids standing there on the other side of the gate that i was turning my back on.

she begins yelling that she needs to talk to me about her oldest daughter. and the knife plunges into my soul. and twists.

I walk back to the gate mainly to stop her yelling as I am sure my neighbors are beginning to awaken. but i won't come back thru the gate. She tells me that the oldest had been being sexually assaulted by her dad. i feel my heart drop. i remember all those years ago when she had gotten what one dr. thought was herpes on her back just above her rear. and i was on my way to kill him. but another dr. diagnosed it as this childhood rash that looked very similar.

i could have saved her years of pain, if i had just not waited.

she told me i could see the kids at her mother's, that they were living there now. and i took the piece of paper she thrust threw the gate. i thought it would have something i needed to know. it was just her mom's phone number. a phone number i have carried around, carefully preserving it from cell phone to cell phone, for the last 2 years.

i could hear the demon laugh from somewhere deep in my soul as he began to crumble my heart into a million little pieces. faceless children created in your womb is one thing. but i held 3 of the 4 shortly after their births; i gave them each a piece of my soul. especially the 2nd child, because her mother carried her while i carried the last of mine. she was born and mine would not be, by deeds of my own doing, and i stuffed down all the pain and hurt and tears and everything to hold her, to love her as much as her older sister. i stuffed it so deep i knew it would fester and infect my soul but she was worth it to me.

as i walk away, my former best friend yells that i should call ahead to make sure she isn't there. she still hasn't figured out that it is so not about her-she i am not afraid of. but i will call, because there are things i need to say to them and i don't need her to interject.

that's assuming i will call. i don't know what's best for the kids. for me, either choice damns me.





i won't survive this.