i should be happy, or at least excited. i have a job interview today. except its a rather lateral move to put me back where i was 12 years ago. now don't get me wrong. if what it says on the posting is true i can make the same money i make now and work only 28 hours a week and with the same benefits doing something i'd much rather do.
except it means that i have to craft an entirely new mask to wear everyday. i have to learn a new me. the old me, the old mask... well its a bit worn and while comfortable, people keep pointing out to me that it frightens them, that their laughter is really fear.
and how do oyu explain to a new employer that you need a bit of flexiabilty to see your therapist every week because you are bipolar, but not to worry because you'll love the hypomania. it's a riot and you'll get so much out of me.
yesterday T was talking about balance. i ahve no balance. my life is work my personal obligations and sleep. unfortunately there never seems to be time left for much else. nor energy, nor motivation. people would say I am depressed. HAHA! wtF do they know. this isn't depression. you wanna see depression? stick around, it should be back soon enough!
T also discussed acceptance. i ahven't read what he printed for me yet so maybe there is an aspect i am missing. or else my view of what i am accepting is skewed. because it seems like accepting will send me into the depths of hell when i realize the futility of it all.
and then there was the "you are not your disease" discussion. but then what am i? what's left? i mean really, i look back on my life and realize that the times i wasfull of energy andlife and confidence--hypomania; full of anger and rage and smart assed comments--depression, full of inappropriate jokes and comments to make people laff--hypomania.
problem is i don't think there was ever a me. i think i went from being a piece of my mom to being bipolar. i feel likei was never allowed to become a person a seperate entity but still be connected to something/someone.
i can't think about this right now. i must go smile and beg for a job. not a career mind u but a job. atleast at 28 hrs there is more time to see a shrink!
3 comments:
28 hours a week sounds good. Esp if you can afford a similar lifestyle to what you have now. Or comparable, anyway.
Good luck on the interview.
Keep us posted.
Hugs
Polar B.
Hey Hey Hey.... look missy... We are high functioning bipolars. And do not forget it. What we are does not define who we are. And you know that. We know who we are, and we fight the battle daily but that does not mean that we can not or will not do what it taked to make it in every day life.
I have known you long enough to say that you need to pick your head and kick ass.
Who we are does not define us! EVER! We do more than others every day and that does not include our screwed up brains.
I am fine. You are fine. We will eat chix cattitore one day and laugh. And that is what life is about finding ways to laugh even if you live in hell.
ok that was my bad cop routine but I thought you needed a little tough love from a person that is so you they cant help but give you the pep talk I give myself daily...
I love you so much,
H
Sans-Hope things go well on the interview. I don't like them because I get tongue tied and my palms sweat. It would be cool if you could get the reduced hours and make the same money.
My new medical plan kicks in in September. So I am glad I can get back into therapy. I actually miss it because I have made some progress which can only be a good thing.
Remember when we tell you you are NOT defined by your disease. Please don't let it rule your life. Stick with the therapy. You are a work in progress.
Post a Comment