slowly slipping

i'm not sure what it is. i feel myself slowly being dragged into the darkness. i think maybe it is something about therapy. but i can't keep carrying this darkness around with me right?

my convo with cmh really made me feel down even though that is not what he intended. first he was very blunt about the situation with my former best friend. he was right in that i can not handle seeing them and she is probably trying to suck me back in. i decided to just write them each a letter. it hurts for so many reasons that have nothing to do with them. too much of my past surfacing. feelings i don't know what to do with. the only thing i can do with them is dump them here. but they seem to just sit and keep staring back at me.

the other thing revolved around me and my lack of care and upkeep of my self. he made reference to a time i rented a hotel room and got all gussied up to seduce him. and while i ma glad to know he noticed (even if it is YEARS later), it hurt because i realize how far i have fallen.

and then he started in on the "you have so much to offer". His list of my pluses? cute, big titties and smart. yeah every other word out of his mouth when referring to me is about the size of my breast. not in an offensive kind of way; more like a kid who just got the biggest lollipop in the world. but it goes back to a central issue for me. guys never paid attention to me except for my chest. it is the only thing they ever noticed. i think another reason why i keep the weight--it doesn't make them seem so big.

we talked about work and life. here's the kicker; he did everything he wasn't supposed to--got in trouble with the law, etc. and now he makes 2x what i make, has a house and a son (even if the boy is not biologically his). and all i ever wanted was to be married and have kids. a chance to undo my past by creating my "perfect" family. and i tried to explain to him how without that, the rest of life seems rather like a waste of time. he did the whole "you can still have that," speech. Men don't get the whole too old to have kids thing. So much he doesn't get.

Ended up discussing it in therapy yesterday. Reasons I don't think I should have kids:

• would need to be in a stable committed relationship where i knew the other person could endure my dips and protect a child. (this is what rules out adoption) and since we all know my ability to choose decent relationships is nil...
  
• i am 35. even if i go to walk the dogs and katie gets away from me and bites the man of my dreams, i'd need 2-3 years to build the type of relationship i referred to above. age 38 is not such a good time to begin having children. it puts you in the high risk category. imagine a child with developmental delays and bipolar.
• getting pregnant may be a bit of a challenge. ectopic pregnancies are mainly due to a malformation in the fallopian tube. The is a GOOD chance that the other tube has the same deformity which increases the chance of another. I am so not going there again.
  
• Additionally, although I had a salpengectomy (they tried to save the tube by splicing out the rupture and then sewing the pieces back together), the resulting scar tissue has probably made ovulation in that tube questionable. More than likely I am not ovulating on that side which means I will get to menopause in 1/2 the time (whohoo!).
• If by chance I am ovulating on that side there is a HIGH chance of another ectopic because the scar tissue will impeded the eggs travels.
• my last pregnancy required major hormonal support so i would not lose the child. i have never been so sick as I was on those hormones. apparently even with the hormonal support i stood a good chance of a 2nd trimester miscarriage.
• meds: can't be pregnant with them (imagine a child with mental retardation, bipolar and autism or some other neurological defect), can't live without them. enough said.

i couldn't really explain to cmh without disclosing the bipolar which i was not brave enough to do. he'll do one of 2 things: tell me i am not crazy and i need to smoke weed or slowly pull away. ok sure he might just deal with it but i'm a chix ass.

I thought about letting him read my blog so he would understand. what do you think? I really want him to get it and if he leaves then whatever-he won't be the 1st nor last. i guess i wonder what my motivations are. on the one side i want what i thought i had with rj (someone who loved me and my crazy; someone who accepted me and made me feel ok as i am); on the other side, i wonder if i am trying to self-destruct the friendship so that i can control when he leaves rather than letting him just leave me and rip my heart out.

anyhoo. i have to go to work. it seems that only the aderral manages to keep me awake. it sucks because work takes up all my waking hours. by the weekend i am so tired i just can't cope with being awake.