well i'm back

it seems rather pointless to avoid this space. and lately i've noticed that the ruminations have been echoing in my head preoccupying me way too much. maybe if i just get them out. except i know that its not exactly true and they simply keep coming and coming. never been one for letting things go. i guess maybe the seroquel got cut too much?

but without therapy and no real support network (by my choice because yes K I know you would listen anytime) this is it, my only real outlet. the only outlet i will allow myself.

you want weird? the 2 people i am worried about disappointing the most if i simply let go are:

1. my doggie [she's had a tough life at the hands of people with mental illness and i'd have to make sure i got her a good home and didn't just die and let my mom assume her care, whon although she loves her very much, well ... let's just say she loves/loved me very much but that didn't/doesn't mean she can always push past her issues to do what's best. my doggie came to me from a situation similar from that. i won't send her back to that.]


2. my pdoc - last visit i was so obviously struggling but trying to keep it together and give it another go. but we have a great rapport some of which is due to my people pleasing put on the mask auto routine, but i have become trustful enough of him to hint that i am struggling. he knows that right now, except for the faith that i have in his skill & knowledge, i probably would have just given up. at any rate, last visit he hugged me as i was leaving and told me there was something about me, made him think of me like a member of his own family. maybe a bit of psychology thrown in with the psychiatry but he got me on the hook for atleast another 6 months.

the very things that bind me to my depression are the things which also bind me to life and keep me from suicide. my fear has always been that if they give me the tools to become action goal oriented and less fearful, but that does not take away the deep rooted sadness, i may no longer fear death/suicide & procrastinate. OK but you know I so would not be able to resist writing the ironic thank you/goodbye note to them.