yesterday

yesterday i felt like someone dragged me thru hell. i could get no energy. i mean none. and every little word made me want to explode. i could feel sounds and they hurt. my coworker whistling made me want to go psychotic. so i drowned it out my listening to janga.com and making it play the same song over and over again for an hour; eventually i din't notice that a new song had started playing.

i was trying to get thru one month without using the sick day i earned in that month but it doesn't look like that will happen. i'm not sure i should go in there today. i'm not sure i should i could keep it all wrapped tight enough.

i just can't seem to fit in the flow of the world. my employer is willing to put out sub-par material so why can't i just code it sub par and crank it out? they just want it done. they don't care if i increase my knowledge or understanding of the new work flow, if i discover flaws or places we could improve it. i've even solved a few issues on my own but yet and still what i'm in trouble for is not cranking out the crappy code fast enough. it doesn't matter that i volunteered to develop a piece of documentation to help everyone who is not as familiar with xml or in particular the DTD we are working with work more efficiently and feel less frustrated to take pressure off of the one person in our office it is ALL falling on (not me) so that it frees that person up to stick to the important things.

i know, i know. what i view in my head may not be the reality of the situation. but when my boss keeps coming and asking "when are you going to be done?" or making comments like "your control board is not showing a lot of movement," what am i supposed to think?

being upright right now is painful and unpleasant, from nausea, to weariness, to aches, to headaches, to tingling and burning sensations, to just and overall hopelessness setting in. i don't even really care to bother calling the specialists and making appointments. i don't know that i can deal with any more disappointments of thinking you might find a solution and then realizing you have nothing.