i fucked up

i'm sure i missed some meds; i don't really remember. i need to go get a 30 day pill box or go back to counting out 7 days worth of my meds. i once even had a blog template that started each post like we started morning group in the hospital (report meds, rate mood)

i'm scared to leave my apt. symptoms, physical and mental, are running amok. emotions are running amok.

there is no room for error. and i am error-prone. it's why i always said that if i ever needed a organ transplant i'd just refuse; a waste of resources on me. i'd forget teh anti-rejection meds and be dead.

when you fuck up your meds there is no redemption but to wait. i should call in sick but i know what will be said. or maybe that's the paranoia.

i really fucked this up, but i can't go back to the hospital. reintegrating into life is way too hard. they need a witness relocation-styled program so that after you've done your stint, if you choose, you can just walk away into a new life where the pressures of who you were and who you are don't keep beating you down before you even take a breath.