impending anniversaries

it will be almost a year since i walked out of my office and into my therapists office and admitted i needed to be hospitalized.

i managed to let the anniversary of the incident [warning may be triggering] come and go; i think there is to much shame still involved in that one.

the three months that mark the anniversary of the time i spent in partial will be hard mainly because the realizations i have made about where i am in my ability to struggle against my illness have broken my spirit. i haven't been able to get that back. i haven't been able to light a fire under my ass to go get that back.

just survival; that's all i am seeking. i find it easier to simply recede from the world with my disease. my borderline does its most damage when i come in contact with other people. so i don't allow myself much contact. and i keep the levels of contact in strict control -- no intimacy because intimate relationships make me act like a crack head in need of a hit.

but there are is some success. if i can make it until 8/31 [i've learned to take nothing for granted the way my moods and thoughts swing wildly], i will have survived 1 year since i walked thru the door of the hospital. i would not have seen this year without that intervention.

funny how time stood still when I was in the hospital. i could have sworn i was there for weeks before my birthday when in actuality it was only a week or so. hopefully this year no one will be telling me i should be on the locked ward on my birthday.