i missed 2 days of meds. now the truth is i am still OK as long as i ma not alone. that's what people don't get about me and my depression. it is alone, when i can examine my life that the real hell begins. but i act like that doesn't exist until it spills over into "real" life.
mom just told me that my dog went from bad to worse when she came to live with me. it didn't even hurt when she said it. so now I am thinking about taking my dog to the spca tomorrow. maybe she can find better. but of course then it will be dealing with everyone's questions about why.
i'm tired. i can keep my mask up again. but when i get home and face the reality that i feel stuck in, when it threatens to be exposed like my mother visiting for the holidays, that's when i feel desperate. it is just overwhelming. i can't even figure out how to get out of the mess other thsn to throw everything away and start again.
she doesn't quite get that i gave up trying to heal and improve. it's just too much for me. i am just trying to manage. just trying to stay as level and still to just stay alive. it's all i have the energy for. or the will for. sad? yes. but truthful. i don't want to get "better." It's too hard, too much work. all i ever wanted was a pill that would make it all better.
1 comment:
Especially during this time of year try your hardest to spend time with friends or family! It's important not to stay alone where you have the opportunity to think too much and FEEL. ):
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