odd discrepancy

I feel good. I mean I actually feel happy. Except I still feel mentally and emotionally tortured by my demons. or maybe not tortured, maybe plagued is a better word. except I just don't care. The former love of my life and I were having a discussion because he is in the throes of what I would consider a really bad depression and was confused as why I would not join him.

My answer to him was that I had already experienced what I had imagined ot be the worst thing to ever happen. I had to file bankruptcy. I had to be hospitalized. I had to admit "defeat" (in that this disease has robbed me of some things i will never get back). But in my mind, the disease's main purpose is to kill me. and it has not. so I win. and even if it does kill me, i made my peace with that during the descent into the darkest hell ever. so even that prospect does not frighten me.

I ahve had this recurring dream (and most of my dreams are daydreams these days) that a criminal tries to take me hostage and all I can do is laugh and point out to him that his big mistake was picking someone who is a chronic sufferer of depression beyond what most could imagine. Death, really? you want to threaten me with that? I have spent the better part of years wanting to die.

Years ago I blogged about if there was an easy button which would end my life would I hit it and I said yes. The natural follow up was "what if you come out of the depression?" well here I am out of it to tell you I would still hit it even now. Why? Because I know it can and porbably will get worse again one day and I wouldn't have to live in fear of that.

How F*cked up is that? Even when I feel good this disease has tainted everything. and yet I just don't care. I imagine the depression sitting and looking at me with this WTF? kind of look on it's face.