no really what was I thinking

you know those automatic thoughts they warn you about in therapy? i think I may be experiencing them about "he whose name we can not say."

I keep feeling like i ma over him but then the auto thoughts kick in. These are thoughts I practiced for at least 10 years but I suspect longer. Now I am trying to figure out if they are still there or do I automatically revert to him in his presence? Or perhaps i was just in denial when I thought I could be done with the torch I carried for him. Perhpas I was practicing that "think it until you believe it" and all theses years later i still don't really believe it.

Or perhaps he is just at the core of a deep seated issue. I don't want to be alone. I want to be connected to someone on a deep level. I don't have the ability to go out and find someone so I cling to him because he is already half way there for me.

I don't need this right now. Work is hectic. I need to keep it together. Time to eat more.