so the depression is back. not as thick as before but definitely enough that i can't ignore it. sucks. i feel like i have failed in someway even though i know that is not true. it's a disease and it is no longer in remission.
i just re-read a post i didn't publish that i wrote around the time of my 40th birthday. the basic message was I'm over life. it is what it is and now I'm just waiting for my turn to exit. (notice the word waiting; not seeking so don't worry).
So my house is a hoarding nightmare. I think I have decided to just drag it all to the dumpster and walk away. I always have this idea in my head i will need it or i should give it away, but that is more than I can handle at this moment and life is too overwhelming to continue on so in a desperate pitch to make this work, I am simply going to throw it all away. The energy to pack, store, transport or even plan for someone else to do it is more than I can handle.
i cant be back here again. or perhaps i never left. perhaps i have just been dreaming and now i am awake.
5 comments:
Just curious, have you been able to throw anything away since you wrote this post? I've never been a hoarder, so I don't fully understand the psychological part of why it happens, but I know it's hard to part with the "stuff".
My older sister is a hoarder, but I haven't been to her house in ages so I only hear back from others on how bad it has gotten. And my mother is a packrat, the less serious version of a hoarder. I personally went to the other extreme and rarely save anything. Though part of that was out of necessity from when I moved every 6 months. It was tiring hauling everything from one place to the next so I just dumped most of it.
Today is the day and I am up, replying to you instead of prepping. I'm nauseous. I'm anxious. I'm angry and worse I'm feeling indecisive. I'm actually trying to put it all off. In my head I believe I will spend the day purging on my own. You would not imagine the paranoia that is running thru my head right now.
I did not break down. Some stuff has gone. Still MORE needs to go. Some belongs to mom and should go but she won't let it go so I am stuck with it in my apt.
I'm in a weird place emotionally right now. I want to put it all by the dumpster. Or I don't want to be wasteful by throwing it out.
I kind of just want to walk away and leave it all behind as if it never existed. I read a story about a man who gave up everything to live in a small RV. I'm in love with the idea right now.
I'm glad you managed to get rid of some stuff, though I'm sure it was difficult. I think finding the balance between what is worth keeping and what to dump is the hardest part, even for people who aren't hoarders. Just don't push yourself too hard to get through everything. It didn't all accumulate overnight and I don't think it all has to disappear overnight either.
For me, the rule I stick to is...if I haven't used it in six months and don't plan to use it in the next six months (cuz some things are seasonal like Christmas decorations) and it doesn't have monentary value, I get rid of it. I do allow myself one box that I keep "treasures" in, little mementos I've picked up over the years, but one box is all. I'm afraid that if I think about things too much, I'll attach too much sentimental value to items that really aren't worth saving. I have gotten rid of things I now sometimes regret, but then I remind myself it was just stuff that'd be taking up space.
I know that feeling of depression creeping back to you so well. I hope that by clearing out some stuff from your house it helps your mind feel more free - often I find that if I can get the energy to 'sort' something in the house it's almost as though I've sorted a little bit of my mind. I'm not really sure why, but there you go! Look after yourself, I hope this episode of depression passes quickly for you. Thank you for sharing X
Post a Comment