boy did money do a number on me

I have been insecure about money since my grandfather died; his death left us financially vulnerable. I did not know at the time that this would happen. It was only in adulthood that I made the correlation. I do know that my mother's spending, her secrecy and her lying made me worry about money. Then there was being forced to drop out of college unexpectedly because the bill didn't get paid.

None of that curtailed my spending habits which I learned from mom. I mistook desire for need. and then I ended up in bankruptcy.

Since then I have lived a frugal existence (except for food). Part of it is that on the books I don't really make enough money. Yet it seems that mom has expendable cash and is willing to help that.

I really need to start paying attention to my look. Part of it is my weight and my desire to make myself repulsive so I don't have to deal with the inevitable Borderline explosion that happens in relationships.

I don't know... I don't know... I don't know.